POLITICAL MARKETING
Put two hundred million dollars in their hands and master marketers can make a tired sack of stale horse manure look like an Aquavelva Superman racing up San Juan Hill on a fiery white charger. Its still eight months till election day but already President George W Flubbermouths most dedicated spinmeisters are pumping in tankertrains of steroids and splashing on deodorant supertankers to make sure President Walks Like A Duck looks and smells his best next November. Now that John Dean McChickenflu has emerged as the Democratic candidate, the Presidents handlers are moving quickly to sex up the Flubbermouth image while simultaneously raising questions about McChickenflus qualifications for the nations highest office. The first wave of tv ads address Flubbermouths actions on the day of 911. Rather than zigzagging around the country like a crazed squirrel then disappearing down a Nebraska rabbit hole, President Flubbermouth is shown flying directly to Ground Zero. There, we see a brave vigorous Flubbermouth barehandedly digging through tons of twisted rubble, joyfully pulling out blackened stock brokers and grimly stretchering bodies of flagdraped victims hand in hand with ashened police and firemen. The next wave addresses Flubbermouths military activity during the Vietnam War. Faced by a decorated hero who actually served in a real combat zone, the Presidents marketing team are working hard to counter his bedwetter image as a rich junky who used his fathers influence to avoid serving America by hiding out in a cushy national guard unit. Most problematic are the six months when the future President was AWOL from the Alabama National Guard. Rather than showing W drying out from serious bourbon and cocaine addiction, Flubbermouth is depicted in Vietnam conducting a secret mission. Opening with shots of a young Flubbermouth face coated by camouflage paint, we then see George The Brave heading upriver aboard a navy gunboat. His mission. To assassinate a renegade American army colonel who has run amok after assembling a private army from rogue troopers and native Montegnard tribesmen. After decapitating the evil colonel, the next scene morphs into the future Texas governor throwing the switch on an electric chair holding an illegal Mexican alien. A powerful voiceover intones, President Flubbermouth, Strong in war, Strong in peace. The Presidents economic record isnt so robust either. But thanks to modern information technology Americas 2½ million job loss is now a 2½ million job gain. Electronic scoreboards show totals rising miraculously as tax cuts deepen. In the magic world of political marketing jobs seem to appear out of nowhere. Outside a poultry processing plant in Leghorn Ohio, a beaming Flubbermouth greets freshly hired chicken pluckers. Next we see the President inside a bakery in Flatscreen California. Hes smiling broadly and talking to a former computer technician whose highpriced position was outsourced to Bangladesh. The new employee is telling the President how thankful he is for Muddlebrains incredible economic policy. Taxcuts enabled him to move easily from designing complex software to holing donuts and greasing bread pans. And of course thats just the beginning of President Flubbermouths reelection advertising blitz. All across America happy hardworking citizens will soon be shown shifting eagerly from high wage productive jobs to minimum wage deadend positions without health care or pension benefits. In Iraq thankful citizens will once again be dancing in the streets and welcoming American troops with flowers and open arms. In the Middle East Israelis and Palestinians breakdance together under a huge banner proclaiming The Roadmap Works. And so it goes. Bungle after bungle turned into success after success. What a great time to be alive.Tokyo Tues 03/09/04